Lullaby of Dangerous Hope

In the movie the Titanic usually people cry. If you don’t already know (though I’m sure you do) the ship sinks, lots of people die and it’s sad. I wasn’t allowed to watch the movie until I was 10 and with my anxiety, I probably should have waited even longer, but since my parents are completely oblivious to any of those problems, I was allowed to watch it at 10.

I sat down with a bowl of popcorn and a side of patience as I prepared to watch a movie so long that it needed 2 vhs tapes! I’m pretty sure I thought the beginning was boring. I didn’t quite understand it yet. But as the ship started to sink and my mom popped in the second tape I found myself sitting on the edge of my seat, watching the ship go down and people jump off into the frigid waters. My anxiety had me interested. I couldn’t tear my eyes away.

It was terrifying, all those people dying out there with no hope of rescue. It tapped into my most basic fears, fears that unknown to my oblivious parents were ruling my life. Yet I couldn’t look away. I was engrossed in the fear. I didn’t like it and it was terrifying, but I had to learn more. That’s how my anxiety triggers work to this day. I’m terrified of them, yet beyond fascinated by them. My mind brings them up sinisterly, making me fascinated in the very things that horrify me.

As the ship went down my stomach did flip flops, but I didn’t cry. My mom was crying, tissue in hand wiping away her tears, but I knew what was coming. I had known the ship was going to sink, that’s what it was all about. Sure it was sad, but my eyes were dry.

It came though, the part I just couldn’t and to this day cannot handle. Hopeless music plays in the background as the camera shows women lying in bed with her two young children singing them to sleep. That did it for me. I started shaking, going into what I now know was a panic attack. Probably my very first one.

My mind was completely absorbed by that scene for days. I was a different child, victim of my mind. I felt like I couldn’t focus on anything else and even went through scenarios in my head in which I was trapped somewhere and my parents would want to give up. I would never give up I would tell myself, I would keep fighting.

Sure I didn’t cry when the ship was sinking when all those people were on the deck dying, but what pushed me over the edge, what make me flip was that mother. Sitting there, singing her kids a lullaby and not trying to escape.

My mom tried to explain it to me, “she didn’t want them to see the chaos” she would say, “she did the right thing”. Nothing could make me understand, and to this day I don’t get how that mother could sit there and do nothing.

And that’s part of why I’m having such a hard time right now. I’m a very action oriented person. If I was on a sinking ship even if I knew I was going to die, I would die fighting to get off it. If you’re going to die anyways, why not die trying. That’s what I’ve always said. So I’m frustrated because right now everyone is just sitting here and telling me to give Ryan time, but that’s so hard for me!

I feel like my ship is sinking and I’m just sitting here, being sung to sleep by a lullaby of hope. I’m trying desperately to soften a blow and I’m not sure when or if it will come. I’m sitting here knowing that the love of my life is thinking about it, but might decide not to come back and it’s so hard to do nothing. I lay in bed at night trying to fall asleep until I finally give into my mind, letting hope sing me to sleep.

I keep hearing songs about people saying they wish they would have made someone stay, and I feel like I’m not even trying. If this were up to me, I would be over there at his apartment trying my hardest to talk this through with him. Or I would be sitting outside his window singing songs begging him to come back.

It’s just so hard and everyone’s telling me he needs time to think. I told him to let me know if he wants to talk and to let me know when he comes to a decision and he said he would…but sitting here doing nothing…it’s not who I am.

33 followers!

I just wanted to thank all 33 of my followers for following my blog! I was going to make this post at 30 but my followers crept up just a little bit since I realized I had hit that mark this morning! I know a lot of the stuff I post on here might be depressing, but I am trying to deal with a lot right now and being able to blog about it helps! And, maybe somehow, in some way this helps some other people too.

30 followers might not seem like much to other people, but it’s a lot to me especially since in the first month there was not many people at all reading my blog. So for me 30 followers is super super super exciting!

I will be trying to post more lighthearted stuff, but this is one place where I am letting myself be myself so if I want to post depressing things…I will probably continue to do so XD

Regardless I thank all of you who are now following me! And welcome new followers, I will follow back.

Picking at an Open Wound

This whole thing has really sucked, but it has taught me about the lack of control I have over my own mind.

A person has no control over the things their memories store, and no control over when their mind brings those memories up. Sure a person can try and combat them, as I have been doing…but combating your own mind is one of the hardest things I have ever done. Gone are the days of me being able to think about whatever I want and feel whichever emotions would arise as a result.

The memories that used to make me so happy, I can’t think about them now without being sad, yet my mind continues to bring them up over and over again. Like a fire refusing to be put out. I combat it, throwing water on it and hearing it sizzle before going out, only to have the fire lite again and again and again, over and over and over, in my head.

If someone asked me right now what the best day of my life was…I wouldn’t be able to tell them. A month ago I would have probably brought up one of the many days I spent with Ryan…but now. I don’t know. It’s not that those days weren’t good, so good, but basking in their goodness is poisonous to me now. I have to somehow prove to myself that I can make good memories without him, in case he decides not to come back.

I hate not having control over my own mind though. Some people would say you do, but my only assumption would be they must not have ever experienced something as painful as this. It’s like my mind just keeps bringing back up the memories, bringing back up the hope. Like it’s picking at an open wound.

I wish I had more control.

Waiting.

Victim of my Mind

Never have I been presented with an event in which I have found more comfort in the unknown opposed to one of the possible outcomes. I always used to say, if I had a chronic illness I would want to know when my time would come. That way, I could do what I needed to with the time I had and prepare myself for what was to come. I had always assumed since that was my stance in terms of death then I must feel that way about everything.

That was back when I thought the worst possible thing was death. That was before I lost Ryan.

I still hold, if I was dying, I’d want to know how long I had. But now, in this instance, with Ryan I find more comfort in him thinking, than I do him deciding not to come back.

The waiting is driving me insane too. Which makes me terrified of the idea of him deciding to not come back. Because if this hurts…then I can only imagine how bad it would hurt if he decides not to come back.  I had a glimpse of what that would be like in the week between the day he broke up with me and the day I proposed my something new to him when he told me he would think about it.

I don’t ever want to experience what I felt in that week ever again.

It’s especially hard right now because I don’t know what to allow myself to have hope in. I am trying my hardest not to let my mind find relief in the idea of him coming back, but a lot of the things that I might look forward to like spending time with my brother over the summer are also obscure because if Ryan does get back together with me, then I probably won’t be able to spend time with my brother anymore.

Right now the only thing I can find hope and happiness in is myself which is hard, especially since I lost myself. Sure I know the things that used to make me happy, but I’m so unsure of myself…so it’s really hard for me to find happiness there. I guess that’s what I need though. I need to be forced to find happiness within myself and I guess that’s what’s happening.

I just feel like I lost everything, I lost Ryan, I lost myself, and I even lost my family. I mean yeah, they’re still there, my family, but they don’t even actually know me. I mean mike does, but my parents don’t so I might as well have lost them too.

It just all hurts so bad. I lost everything and now I am being forced to find happiness within myself when I lost her too.

I’m trying not to drive myself crazy waiting. Sure I am waiting for an answer before I move on 100%, but I’m still trying to live this life. It’s just hard to live like this.

Mind of its Own

Senseless dreams.

Worse than nightmares.

Don’t you understand?

Mind?

I work hard all day too

turn you off.

Then you go letting hope flood in

All night long.

you give me a peak at what it was like

at what it could be like.

as I surrender to you.

But I combat those days,

all day long.

Combat the days of love.

I don’t know if it will be okay.

Can’t you understand,

Mind,

I’m trying so desperately not to hope.

trying to protect you from another day terror.

I guess it’s a battle

for control over protection.

But I just can’t take these dreams.

Give me nightmares instead.

Won’t you understand,

Mind,

I want to feel the relief of waking up

to a better reality.

But I’m understanding,

Mind,

Nightmares only exist at night when they’re not residing in reality.

Run Away with Me.

Run away with me.

Run away with me for the summer just to see if this could work. We will combine our funds, take your car and the clothes on our backs and run. I can sublease my apartment for the summer and get money from that. I will give you the money to upkeep your apartment over the summer, or you can look for someone to take it over, but just come run away with me.

We could spend the summer trying to find eachother and be trying to find myself again. If we can build a relationship from the ground up, then we can do anything. And if we don’t, then come back in the fall and don’t try with me again.

I lost myself. I know that was your loss, but it was mine too and I am so sorry it happened. Sorry to you, sorry to myself, just sorry. So sorry, about everything.

Just run away with me. We won’t get lost this time. I won’t get lost this time. I’m just starting to find my way back. I won’t ever get lost again.

I have always wanted to learn to surf. Let’s go somewhere. I can learn to surf and you can see the ocean for the first time. If we have to, we will sleep in your car until we find a place. I don’t care, at least we will have eachother and even if not, then at least it will end for different reasons.

Let me find myself again and then if you don’t like me after that, then leave because you don’t like the person I really am. Don’t leave because I lost sight of myself. Don’t give up on me for something I am trying so desperately to get back. Don’t give up on me for something I didn’t even realize I lost. The girl you fell in love with is still here, she just got lost, lost in her head, but now, she’s finding her way back. Don’t give up on me for something I am trying so hard to find again. Something I just started looking for.

Run away with me. Run away with me and if you don’t like the person I become then leave that person, but don’t leave this lost girl. Don’t leave this lost girl because she is trying to find her way back, back to the girl you fell in love with, back to the girl she knows, back to the girl she is.

Please. Don’t give up on this lost girl.

Weathering the Storm

I lay there, on the hard rocks and wooden planks that make up the railroad tracks. The sky above me, trees in front of me, and trees behind me. I am completely and utterly alone.

I come here during my darkest days. Days when everything just becomes too much, days when I want to let go, days when want everything left up to someone else. Days when I’m sick of the decisions, and sick of the consequences. Days when I would rather completely submit opposed to dealing with the pain, instead of having to deal with the repercussions. Days like today.

I hear a storm coming, somewhere off in the distance, closing in on me. The leaves shudder on the trees and a damp breeze makes the hairs on my arms stand up as I lie there. Inhale, exhale, out, in, let it all go, like the leaves letting go of the trees in the wind. A raindrop splashes on my cheek, cold and wet. I don’t move it or wipe it away, I let it run down my face, letting it leave its mark on my cheek as more of the wet drops fall all over my body. I close my eyes and succumb to the wind, succumb to the rain, succumb to all of nature as I lay there on the tracks, letting the storm take me away.

Above me I can hear the storm drawing closer and closer. The rumble of thunder in a not-so-distant place and before each impending lightning strike I can feel the roars of the storm deep in my chest. Each boom rattles my insides and reverberates throughout my body, leaving me wondering how much more my heart can take. Inhale, exhale, out, in, I tell myself as I prepare for the next blow. My muscles begin to relax now as my clothes grow heavy from the rain. They have a tight hold on me, clinging to my skin, but their hold is a comfort that wraps around me. A comfort I get lost in as I lie there, letting all the events, letting all the decisions, letting all of the future go, since even if only for a few moments, they are left up to something else.

I hear another roar of thunder, loud and strong, more intimidating than those before, almost as if it was trying to scare me away, but instead of running I let it move through me, let it vibrate throughout my chest. It lives inside of me before slowly leaving my body.

Suddenly I feel a different kind of roar, one I can control, a roar that could rattle my body so hard that it would leave me with no decisions left to make. I feel the vibrations near my head and my feet, coming from the metal rails that go on forever, the metal rails that hold the wooden planks together and make up the tracks.

It’s more than a vibrating now, it has turned into a tremble growing closer and closer. I can hear it now, its rumble growing closer and closer still…but maybe that’s just the rain…maybe that’s just the thunder…maybe that’s just the wind…maybe that’s just the trees. I let my mind explore all of the options, refusing to open my eyes. Just a few moments longer, just a few more seconds of rain. And then…and then…and then…

And then it hits me.

It’s time for me to go. I have had enough and I am ready to regain control. I sit up and don’t open my eyes until I am twenty feet away, staring at the tracks, my back up against a tree, my wet legs lying against the soft damp grass. A train plows by, rumbling through the trees creating a storm of its own.

I close my eyes again and exhale, letting the bark of the tree scrap against my shoulders as my muscles relax. This time it’s different as the rain slows and I close my eyes. This time I am content, full of resolution because just as quickly as a train will pass, the storm will be over. It cannot rain forever, but there are many times when you just have to face the storm.

Angry is an Understatment

I am beyond angry. I am way beyond angry. I have not been angry very often, and now that I am, I am angry about everything. How dare he take him away from me? How dare he tell me that I can’t be with the one I love, how DARE he ask me to choose and then act like it’s all okay. Like the fact that he just asked me to choose between my family and the person I love the most in this life is just okay. Like the fact that he told me that if I am MYSELF he is not going to be around anymore. Why did I not realize sooner that I did not need that in my life? But I cant go back and I have realized it now and he will NEVER tell me what to do again. I am done.

I am angry with my self, because ultimately, this is my fault. I was the one who did not say anything, I was the one who did not feel confident…but it was because of all the years of him breaking me down. I wanted to stay where I was comfortable, I wanted to stay where it felt safe. But he does not make me feel safe anymore, especially not being me. This is my life and I am going to live it however I so please! He got to choose how to live his life and now I get to choose how to live mine. I dare him to try and tell me what to do again. I dare him because I wont stand for it. I WILL NOT do it. He has ruined something for me. And even if I can get that something back he still hurt a perfectly good relationship before, a relationship that was so precious…and he ruined it. He took it apart piece by piece, ripping and tearing at our tender hearts slowly, painfully, until the pain was just to much and it was finally gone. He paralyzed me with fear and provided me with an inability to express who I was, and what I wanted. He paralyzed me with fear to a point that I died. I broke. The absolute worst thing happened because I was afraid.

NEVER AGAIN WILL HE DO THIS TO ME. Never again will he take a knife to the person I am. I just hope…from the bottom of my heart that I can get back the one thing that he has already taken away. I pray that this is not the price with which I must pay for my anger. I hope from the bottom of my heart that I can go be who I am, and do it with him by my side.

I just hope…he’s not too sure. Because now, now I am angry.

I fell off my Rock…and Started my Fire.

I found my fire…but I already fell and now I fear it is too late. The fire is back, and ready and blazing…but last night…my ship fell off it’s rock and it fell the opposite way of what I wanted it to. It fell and I’m broken and I don’t know how to put the pieces back together, or if I even want to. Falling this way was never my intention, I never wanted to see this side but I fell, and now I’m here and it’s dark and cold and I am broken. My pieces are lying open succumbing to the elements, letting the cold invade their every crevice. It’s so cold it burns and the pieces…but the burning lights the fire, but it may be a fire lit too late. I’m so terrified that it has been lit to late…but it’s so bright and I don’t want it to be lit for nothing.

I am ready…to do what I was afraid to before. BEYOND READY. I would do it right this moment…but somehow I have to get back to my rock first. I need him…to take me back.