The Last Supper

As you probably know my life is about to change drastically. Day after tomorrow I will be telling my parents that I am with Ryan. It is going to turn my life upside-down. It has all been pretty surreal.

My father has a lot of money. I have lived a very lavish life with my parents for the last 20 years. Fancy restaurants and hotels have always been a thing for me, but they have never made me happy. It’s not that I don’t appreciate them, I do! But I have just saw how unhappy a person can be, even when they have all the things in the world. The life I want to live from this point on is a simple one. I don’t want to have much more than love and the necessities, that way when I at any point have more than the necessities, I will be able to appreciate them. It is going to be a change for me. Going from eating at upscale restaurants all the time to having to count every penny is a change I am excited for, so excited for, but also a bit nervous.

Today was surreal. My parents had been planning to go to a very fancy restaurant for a few months now, and when I got back here this weekend they told me we were going tonight. We went there tonight and it was like a Last Supper for me in so many ways.

Sure I’m not dying, but there is a part of me that is. It’s a good thing though. This was the last supper for the girl who lives a double life. The last supper at a super fancy restaurant. The last supper with my family still acting. The last supper where I had to be someone I’m not. And I can’t wait for the day I get to be me. And it’s coming so soon.

The nerves really have not set in yet. I think they are going to really start setting in tomorrow night, but the longer I can prolong them the better. This is going to happen on Sunday, if I am nervous or not. So, there’s no point in me sitting here worrying about it. It’s going to happen and sure it’s probably going to be really scary when it does, but when that moment comes and my parents finally leave and the truth is finally out…the moment that I can FINALLY be me…that will be a happy moment.

 

Sacrifices of Love

I published this a while ago on here, but felt that once again it is really relevant to my life.

“Loving him is exhilarating.

You are leaving me,

Loving the other is natural.

trading me in.

Loosing control is daunting.

And I won’t have it.

A maze of dark and light emotions.

No buts about it.

And they turn off the lights

I won’t allow it.

power, taken away.

A caged bird may sing,

I’m pulling one way,

But I don’t let it.

Then back the other.

I refuse to hear it.

Everything I have always known…

If I ignore it I won’t have to feel…

I was wrong.

Because I am losing my little girl.

I cannot control it,

I will tear her back,

But you’re asking me to…

Even if it tears her apart.

Then expecting me to…

I will mend her burning heart.

Then forcing me to…

The cuts will go away eventually,

And you’re taking away my power,

I can teach her to live with the scars.

but that’s impossible for me to give.

…but there’s nothing that a gift won’t help.

So ignore it instead,

Then she will forget about the scars.

who I am.

She will live with.

Erase who I am.

Desensitized.

The faint remains will live on.

My little girl,

So close your eyes, and look at the faint words written on my heart,

my flesh and blood

but blindness won’t save you,

and she can’t stop it.

love is blind,

and trust me for once,

because I have seen.”

Amazing Update

There is no better way to start this than by saying he came back. After all the fear and all the moments I spent trying to fight hope, he came back.

Naturally I am overjoyed. I cried happy tears like I never have before when he told me. Yesterday he had emailed saying that he wanted to talk. He had not come to a decision at that point, but a 15 minuet talk turned into an hour and an hour turned into 2 and 2 turned into an entire night together. We were sitting next to eachother on my bed when he tried to take my hand. I jerked back and said that I didn’t want to touch unless he decided to come back. That’s when he said, “this is me trying to tell you that.”

I still didn’t take it at first. My hands went over my face as I pulled my knees to my chest in the corner of my bed. I cried as my wall came down and I was finally able to let hope in. Sweet sweet hope.

Hope that one day things are going to be okay.

When I finally took his hand I just looked at them together for a moment. Our fingers intertwined. Our hands fit perfectly together, like puzzle pieces. A sight I had forced myself to believe I would never see again. I drank in the sight, felt his hand with all of the atoms in mine. It was beautiful.

We slept together but only slept and enjoyed being together again, just holding onto eachother in our arms, tightly wrapped around eachother, holding on for dear life. Holding on for the dear life of our relationship.

We love eachother. We love eachother so much and we both said it so many times, over and over again. Relishing in each of those sweet 3 words like we had never before.

I’m sorry, I forgive you, I miss you, and I love you have never meant so much.

He is the one for me. I know that now with all my heart.

We’re not out of the woods yet though, there is one last thing that has to be done before we will be. I have to tell my parents. I am going to do so Sunday. We left eachother this morning and we didn’t really talk about my plan. I’m not entirely sure he believes I will actually go through with it, but I will, I am. This is truly my last chance. We didn’t have to go over my plan because that’s not what he wants. He had years worth of plans that amounted to nothing. He doesn’t want plans. He just wants action. Sure I have a plan, but that plan is for me. What matters to him is that I go through with my plan, however I plan it.

So the next time we see eachother in person, my parents will know. How much will they know? I’m not entirely sure. I told Mike this morning that I am going to fly by the seat of my pants. I’m going to let God do the talking. God got me this far. He brought Ryan back to me and I trust him to see me through. It really is that simple.

My Journal Collection!

As I believe I have said on here a few times before journaling and writing are huge parts of my life and always have been. I have been journaling regularly since I was 6 years old. And yes, even at 6 years old I loved writing. So I figured I would share that part of my life with you guys by showing you my journal collection. Of course this is not all of them…over the years I have had…at least 7 other journals, most of which I filled. And those are only the ones dedicated to holding things about my daily life, there have been many others that have included different things. Today I won’t be showing you my entire journal collection, seeing as that would probably take ages, but I am going to show you the ones I am currently writing in.

This very first one you have heard me talk about before in my first post. It is the journal I am currently writing in just about my feelings and daily life. It’s pretty much my anything journal, anything I think of and want to put in there, I put in there. I got it this past august and am already about half way done with it.

This journal really stood out to me for a few reasons. The first is the cover, I felt for a long time that I was stranded on a ship that was tipping back and forth on a rock. One of my very first posts is actually about this and is called On my Rock if you are interested in checking it out, here’s the link: https://flowerchild22.wordpress.com/2015/02/05/on-my-rock/

Anyways, another reason I love this journal so much is because there are no lines on the inside. This is the first journal I have had without lines and I absolutely love it. I was unsure when I first got it because I didn’t know if my writing would end up being crooked or something, but I like it a lot. I think that handwriting on a page is simply beautiful, so this journal is perfect for me. Sometimes I go back just to look at the way the words look on the page.

This next journal is my Gratitude journal. I just recently started it in hopes that pointing out all of the things which I am thankful for would help bring me out of this depression. I try to write in it every night. I have also made a promise to myself that even if Ryan and I get back together, I am not going to include things in there about him that I might be thankful for since the problem never was that I was not thankful for him, it was that I wasn’t thankful for anything else.

As a side note, I love the picture on the front of it. I actually think it would make a beautiful tattoo and may possibly get something similar to that tattooed on my shoulder one day.

This journal is my meditation journal. My counselor directed me to a website with all kinds of guided meditations (if you are interested, check out this link www.fragrentheart.com). Since I tend to be a HUGEEEEEE over thinker, the most helpful meditation for me is the meditation for obsessive thoughts. The meditation takes you through an exercise in which you write down each obsessive thought and then let it go. This is probably not a journal that I will go back and read or anything, but this is where I write down my obsessive thoughts. I would highly highly highly recommend this meditation specifically to anyone who struggles with obsessive thoughts, so if you are interested in that one you can check it out at http://www.fragrantheart.com/cms/free-audio-meditations/relaxation/guided-awareness-for-obsessive-thoughts.

I have found that having a specific journal for when I do this meditation is extremely helpful in a few ways. One, I don’t have a bunch of papers with my negative obsessive thoughts lying around my room and two, for me, the act of closing the book helps me. It is a concrete way for me to tell my mind that I have acknowledged those thoughts, but that I am closing the book and putting them away.

Last but not least is my poetry journal! Getting a journal to write all of my poetry in was actually one of the things on my year-long bucket list and I am still planning to make a post about that, but not until I have all of the poems I have already written, written down in there. That could take some time because some of the poems I have written I am not ready to revisit yet. But I will eventually!

So what about you guys, my fabulous readers, do you journal? Would you like to start? What sort of things do you journal about and how long have you been doing it? Let me know in the comments below!

Basic Works Of The Mind

My mind can’t figure it out.

My mind can’t figure out why.

My mind can’t figure out comfort.

My mind can’t figure out myself.

It all hurts.

Pain.

Pain.

Pain.

Even in the precious places.

Pain.

Pain.

Pain.

It’s like there’s none left.

No more.

They feel different.

And what do you do to protect yourself from hope?

When it just keeps seeping in,

and you want so desperately to let it

and you want so desperately to believe it

and you want so desperately to just…

to just…

to just…

to just…

Go back.

Disappear.

Try again.

Restart.

End.

End.

End.

I’m not supposed to be at the beginning.

But I am.

Because I was gone.

Gone.

Gone.

Days come and days go,

but it’s all black and white.

Everywhere.

I find myself in tight dusty dim lite corners.

The dust is hard to wipe away.

Away.

Away.

Away.

I have to try.

Try.

Try.

Try.

Completed #11 On My Bucket List!

Even though Easter was not the best day, I was able to complete #11 on my bucket list which was to go longboarding with Mike. I’m sure there will be many more trips to come, but this was the first of the season and we had a lot of fun!

When we go we long board through a little town by my house. There is a little beach area that we pass, so we went and looked out there. Now, I know that one of my other bucket list items was to go to the beach, but that beach dosen’t count! The body of water we live by is actually kind of crappy, as is that beach and I meant that I want to go to a nice beach, with sand.

Regardless we had fun, I began trying to learn a new trick. I did not fall once, but am failing pretty miserably so far, which is okay because it is all part of the process! I told Mike that I could practice a new trick up at school, but that I didn’t want to because whenever anyone starts learning a new trick it’s super lame looking. So, I told him I wanted to get all the lameness out when he was around and not anyone else!

We went around that little town for a while drinking slushis and probably pissing off cars who were nervously driving by. In my town there are not really sidewalks or anything, so drivers are not used to people skateboarding or anything of the sort, let alone on the roads. Between us riding while drinking slushis and my pathetic attempts at trying to land a trick, people were probably terrified of hitting us. And I will admit, that it was probably rightfully so!

 

Happy Easter!

Because I feel that an Easter post is a necessary one, here it is! Happy Easter! My Easter will be spent with my family, but mostly Mike and his girlfriend. We’re not doing anything fancy, but I’m working my hardest to have a decent day.

Mike and I began our Easter last night, we went to the dollar store and spent a total of 17 dollars putting together hilarious baskets for eachother. Candy, fake mustaches, matching alligator hats, you name it, it was in those baskets. We laughed hysterically as we walked around the dollar store, not realizing that nothing had a price tag on it because…believe it or not, everything was indeed a dollar! I guess the sign out front just wasn’t enough for us to actually believe it! It was the best part about my Easter so far.

Of course though we both woke up to Easter baskets from my parents. Regardless of if we are a dysfunctional family ruled by the abuse of my father there are still many moments where we pretend. Mike and I’s 16 and 20 year old selves came down the stairs this morning searching for our baskets. We all sat around the living room looking through them pretending like everything was okay, and still laughing about the things we had gotten eachother. We ended the morning with a drive to a fast food restaurant for breakfast and a trip to our local grocery store. Now were back and my father is naturally back to work, my mother is in the kitchen, and Mike is sitting next to me playing Call of Duty. Such a perfect game given the day.

Soon Mike and I will go pick up his girlfriend and spend the rest of the day sitting around eating our souls away with sugary Easter goodness. There is an abundance of sweets around the house. Regardless of the fact that we knew we would be getting truckloads of candy today Mike and I made two cakes yesterday so now we have candy and cake just sitting around the house begging to be eaten.

My readers know we couldn’t get through a post without me talking about how I’m actually doing and right now, in this moment I am doing okay. It’s a holiday and for the first time since he told me he was thinking about coming back I am letting myself be hopeful. What I mean by that is, I’m not purposely letting hope in, but I’m not combating it if it comes. I will go back to combating it tomorrow, but just for today, so I’m not a complete ball of distress and depression, I’m not combating hope.

What are your Easter traditions though? Do you do anything funny? Are you like Mike and I and over the age of 16 but still receiving Easter baskets from your family? Let me know what your doing!

Trying to Have Faith

I’ve always had faith in God. To most people’s surprise, I wasn’t raised religious but somewhere in the midst of my anxiety as a child, I found my way to God.

I’ve not been very open about it with many people. My father was raised catholic and tends to come off as a very strict religious man, but he is not. My mother’s religious, but has to do so very privately because if she brings it up at all, my father just gets upset. Therefore, I too have had to be quite quiet about any beliefs I have in God.

When I met Lacy we would often talk about God. She’s one of the few people I have ever discussed my beliefs with, even if she does not believe herself. I remember trying to prove it to her. “Love!” I would say, “it’s a beautiful thing and once you experience it, you’ll know there’s a God because it’s not something human…and it’s not something scientific, it’s something that had to be created by a God.” I would tell her you could see God in a sunset, or on a cloudless warm day. It was so simple to me. “Everything happens for a reason” I would tell her, and God makes sure it happens that way.

I never got through to her. I know she still dosen’t believe…and for the first time in my life, I’m having doubts. I’m not saying I don’t believe. Right now, I have to believe, but not for the reasons I used to or for the reasons I want to. I feel like I’m being forced into believing. I don’t have anything else to believe in. I don’t have anything else to have faith in. I have to believe in God in order to have hope that one day, however it is going to happen, things are going to get better.

This is testing my faith though. God works in mysterious ways, they say. But does he rip people’s hearts out in order to teach them a lesson? Is that even right? The God I used to believe in…he wouldn’t do that. So many nights I have prayed now just to have the pain taken away. Somehow, just take it away. I have asked him to hold me up and comfort me and help me…but here I am yet again, on the verge of tears wondering why why why.

Last night when I prayed I asked God for a sign. “Anything!” I cried out over and over again as tears rolled down my face. Anything so I would know if nothing else he’s out there. That way I could know even if he wasn’t taking my thoughts into consideration, he was listening. A sign I said, anything, just please let me know when I see the sign. I want to have faith in you, I begged, let me have faith in you, help me have faith in you. And I just don’t know.

Maybe I’m overthinking it, like I tend to do with SO much of my life and maybe I did get my sign, but I just don’t know. There were so many things, but nothing jumped and I still don’t understand and I still…I just don’t know.

There was a cloudless blue sky today…but it didn’t feel as beautiful. I read a few blog posts that spoke to me, but none said exactly what I wanted to hear. Mike tried so desperately to comfort me when I cried today, but I just don’t feel any better.

I don’t know. I just don’t know. If there’s a God out there…how can he do this to me? I understand suffering must come in order for there to be compassion, but I’m already so weak. I’ve begged for mercy, begged God to take the pain away. I’ve tried so hard to push through it time and time again, but I’m so far past my breaking point.

I wonder, how can God do this to me? How can God let me love someone so much, then take him away, then give me a chance that he’ll still come back and have that chance just go on and on and on. I know what I did wrong, I know how to fix it…but if I’m not going to have the change to fix it, than I would have rather not learned the lesson. I feel like my heart is being ripped out over and over again and I just can’t take it anymore. The God I knew…the God I thought I knew…I didn’t think he would do that.

I’m still trying to have faith, but I’m having a hard time trusting. I’ll continue to pray, and continue to search for God…but only out of hope that one day I’ll find him. I just can’t accept this life without a God. I can’t do that to myself. Even if it’s simply keep myself sane. I have to believe. I just hope, I just pray, that no matter how he does it, he can mend my broken heart and take my pain away soon. It’s not a matter of not knowing how much more I can take. I’m already at my breaking point, it’s just a matter of when I’m going to break down, but I can’t keep going much longer with this load.

What I Want to Do

I have officially decided what I want to do if Ryan decides not to come back. My plan started coming together last night, I already am saving my money because if Ryan decides to come back, I am going to need it but then I thought why not save it regardless. And then, my plan was born.

As of right now, I am pretty much stuck in a time capsule. Everywhere, and I mean EVERYWHERE I look something reminds me of Ryan. Everywhere. Hell, I pretty much went to the college I did because that was where he was going. If he decides not to come back then I am going to have to somehow get over him…or at least get to a point where life is tolerable. I am going to need to start over.

It’s not in the cards for me right now to switch schools, and I wouldn’t want to. Of course I don’t want to be up and gone in case he does decide to come back. It’s more than that though, I do have a *few* friends there and I really enjoy my job. Also…up and switching colleges would make absolutely no sense in terms of my parents. THEY WOULD NEVER GET IT. So I can’t do that now…but in 2 years, when I graduate, if I’m not with Ryan, the world is an open book to me. So I have decided to use the money I will save over the next 2 years to move to the beach and start over.

Right now, I am a journalism major and will continue to do so and go down that path, but I have also decided that either way this is going to go, I NEED to pursue my dream of being an author, because it’s the only thing I know that I actually love. I enjoy writing news stories, but not the same way I love actually coming up with them. So for the next two years, I am going to pour my heart into that and I need to pursue being an author if Ryan comes back too.

My father has said that he would help me self-publish a book, and sure some people tell me that it would be another way for him to control me through money…but as long as he’s around and in my life, I might as well let him do that for me. I know he could probably find a way to take any money I make off of it if I do something he dosen’t like, but half of the fight in the publishing industry is getting your name out there. So if he helps me become successful, he can take all the money he wants, but he can’t take away my name.

I want to live a simple life, I want to get one of those really super tiny houses and sleep in a cozy little loft. I want to write on the beach every day of my life for a living and not worry about what anyone else thinks. That’s what I want. So I am going to do that.

grah

I feel like I don’t belong. My parents don’t know me. One minute I’m home sick to see my brother, the next I’m there and I feel like and am treated like an outsider by my parents. I stay in my apartment and sure my roommates are super nice, but it still dosen’t feel like home. Definitely not the way Ryan’s did. And maybe it’s just going to take time…but right now I’m lost with nowhere to go, or at least the places I have feel foreign.

I’m sitting here waiting, wondering if each day…will be the day…the day he comes to a decision. One moment I feel like he’s never coming back and the next I feel like it would be stupid for him to not. I feel on the verge of tears every moment…I’m just so far past my breaking point. I literally cannot take anymore.

Today started out okay. Sure I cried myself into a fit of twisting and turning in my bed, sure I got woken up 4 times in the early morning once I finally found sleep. But I woke up feeling okay. Not happy, but okay. I could block it out and just get on with life the way things are right now, while I’m waiting. Of course that didn’t last long. I fought a man texting, smoking and driving for the road most of the way to work. Once I finally ditched him, I ended up getting cut off so I couldn’t take the right exit and got lost. I arrived at work hoping things would get better after a bit of complaining to my boss, but of course, it’s never ending.

Some nasty customers kept taking pictures of me and another kept calling me “baby girl”. When I was finally on my way home I tried to listen to some music, but nothing really came on that I liked. I finally got back to my parents house and went outside to see if my brother could do something with me all to be told no because by my father because he was helping him with a car (and had been all day) and that I should be helping to.

How about no. I didn’t buy the car, I didn’t ask for the car, it’s not my car…hell! I don’t even like cars.

So I came inside and now I’m sitting with my dog. The only one who I feel like understands. Yes I am 20 and still have a crazy connection with my dog.

But yes, that has been my day so far. I can only hope that it can go up from here…but I’m done doubting that there is an end to how far life can go down