Sacrifices of Love

I published this a while ago on here, but felt that once again it is really relevant to my life.

“Loving him is exhilarating.

You are leaving me,

Loving the other is natural.

trading me in.

Loosing control is daunting.

And I won’t have it.

A maze of dark and light emotions.

No buts about it.

And they turn off the lights

I won’t allow it.

power, taken away.

A caged bird may sing,

I’m pulling one way,

But I don’t let it.

Then back the other.

I refuse to hear it.

Everything I have always known…

If I ignore it I won’t have to feel…

I was wrong.

Because I am losing my little girl.

I cannot control it,

I will tear her back,

But you’re asking me to…

Even if it tears her apart.

Then expecting me to…

I will mend her burning heart.

Then forcing me to…

The cuts will go away eventually,

And you’re taking away my power,

I can teach her to live with the scars.

but that’s impossible for me to give.

…but there’s nothing that a gift won’t help.

So ignore it instead,

Then she will forget about the scars.

who I am.

She will live with.

Erase who I am.

Desensitized.

The faint remains will live on.

My little girl,

So close your eyes, and look at the faint words written on my heart,

my flesh and blood

but blindness won’t save you,

and she can’t stop it.

love is blind,

and trust me for once,

because I have seen.”

Amazing Update

There is no better way to start this than by saying he came back. After all the fear and all the moments I spent trying to fight hope, he came back.

Naturally I am overjoyed. I cried happy tears like I never have before when he told me. Yesterday he had emailed saying that he wanted to talk. He had not come to a decision at that point, but a 15 minuet talk turned into an hour and an hour turned into 2 and 2 turned into an entire night together. We were sitting next to eachother on my bed when he tried to take my hand. I jerked back and said that I didn’t want to touch unless he decided to come back. That’s when he said, “this is me trying to tell you that.”

I still didn’t take it at first. My hands went over my face as I pulled my knees to my chest in the corner of my bed. I cried as my wall came down and I was finally able to let hope in. Sweet sweet hope.

Hope that one day things are going to be okay.

When I finally took his hand I just looked at them together for a moment. Our fingers intertwined. Our hands fit perfectly together, like puzzle pieces. A sight I had forced myself to believe I would never see again. I drank in the sight, felt his hand with all of the atoms in mine. It was beautiful.

We slept together but only slept and enjoyed being together again, just holding onto eachother in our arms, tightly wrapped around eachother, holding on for dear life. Holding on for the dear life of our relationship.

We love eachother. We love eachother so much and we both said it so many times, over and over again. Relishing in each of those sweet 3 words like we had never before.

I’m sorry, I forgive you, I miss you, and I love you have never meant so much.

He is the one for me. I know that now with all my heart.

We’re not out of the woods yet though, there is one last thing that has to be done before we will be. I have to tell my parents. I am going to do so Sunday. We left eachother this morning and we didn’t really talk about my plan. I’m not entirely sure he believes I will actually go through with it, but I will, I am. This is truly my last chance. We didn’t have to go over my plan because that’s not what he wants. He had years worth of plans that amounted to nothing. He doesn’t want plans. He just wants action. Sure I have a plan, but that plan is for me. What matters to him is that I go through with my plan, however I plan it.

So the next time we see eachother in person, my parents will know. How much will they know? I’m not entirely sure. I told Mike this morning that I am going to fly by the seat of my pants. I’m going to let God do the talking. God got me this far. He brought Ryan back to me and I trust him to see me through. It really is that simple.

Basic Works Of The Mind

My mind can’t figure it out.

My mind can’t figure out why.

My mind can’t figure out comfort.

My mind can’t figure out myself.

It all hurts.

Pain.

Pain.

Pain.

Even in the precious places.

Pain.

Pain.

Pain.

It’s like there’s none left.

No more.

They feel different.

And what do you do to protect yourself from hope?

When it just keeps seeping in,

and you want so desperately to let it

and you want so desperately to believe it

and you want so desperately to just…

to just…

to just…

to just…

Go back.

Disappear.

Try again.

Restart.

End.

End.

End.

I’m not supposed to be at the beginning.

But I am.

Because I was gone.

Gone.

Gone.

Days come and days go,

but it’s all black and white.

Everywhere.

I find myself in tight dusty dim lite corners.

The dust is hard to wipe away.

Away.

Away.

Away.

I have to try.

Try.

Try.

Try.

Happy Easter!

Because I feel that an Easter post is a necessary one, here it is! Happy Easter! My Easter will be spent with my family, but mostly Mike and his girlfriend. We’re not doing anything fancy, but I’m working my hardest to have a decent day.

Mike and I began our Easter last night, we went to the dollar store and spent a total of 17 dollars putting together hilarious baskets for eachother. Candy, fake mustaches, matching alligator hats, you name it, it was in those baskets. We laughed hysterically as we walked around the dollar store, not realizing that nothing had a price tag on it because…believe it or not, everything was indeed a dollar! I guess the sign out front just wasn’t enough for us to actually believe it! It was the best part about my Easter so far.

Of course though we both woke up to Easter baskets from my parents. Regardless of if we are a dysfunctional family ruled by the abuse of my father there are still many moments where we pretend. Mike and I’s 16 and 20 year old selves came down the stairs this morning searching for our baskets. We all sat around the living room looking through them pretending like everything was okay, and still laughing about the things we had gotten eachother. We ended the morning with a drive to a fast food restaurant for breakfast and a trip to our local grocery store. Now were back and my father is naturally back to work, my mother is in the kitchen, and Mike is sitting next to me playing Call of Duty. Such a perfect game given the day.

Soon Mike and I will go pick up his girlfriend and spend the rest of the day sitting around eating our souls away with sugary Easter goodness. There is an abundance of sweets around the house. Regardless of the fact that we knew we would be getting truckloads of candy today Mike and I made two cakes yesterday so now we have candy and cake just sitting around the house begging to be eaten.

My readers know we couldn’t get through a post without me talking about how I’m actually doing and right now, in this moment I am doing okay. It’s a holiday and for the first time since he told me he was thinking about coming back I am letting myself be hopeful. What I mean by that is, I’m not purposely letting hope in, but I’m not combating it if it comes. I will go back to combating it tomorrow, but just for today, so I’m not a complete ball of distress and depression, I’m not combating hope.

What are your Easter traditions though? Do you do anything funny? Are you like Mike and I and over the age of 16 but still receiving Easter baskets from your family? Let me know what your doing!

Trying to Have Faith

I’ve always had faith in God. To most people’s surprise, I wasn’t raised religious but somewhere in the midst of my anxiety as a child, I found my way to God.

I’ve not been very open about it with many people. My father was raised catholic and tends to come off as a very strict religious man, but he is not. My mother’s religious, but has to do so very privately because if she brings it up at all, my father just gets upset. Therefore, I too have had to be quite quiet about any beliefs I have in God.

When I met Lacy we would often talk about God. She’s one of the few people I have ever discussed my beliefs with, even if she does not believe herself. I remember trying to prove it to her. “Love!” I would say, “it’s a beautiful thing and once you experience it, you’ll know there’s a God because it’s not something human…and it’s not something scientific, it’s something that had to be created by a God.” I would tell her you could see God in a sunset, or on a cloudless warm day. It was so simple to me. “Everything happens for a reason” I would tell her, and God makes sure it happens that way.

I never got through to her. I know she still dosen’t believe…and for the first time in my life, I’m having doubts. I’m not saying I don’t believe. Right now, I have to believe, but not for the reasons I used to or for the reasons I want to. I feel like I’m being forced into believing. I don’t have anything else to believe in. I don’t have anything else to have faith in. I have to believe in God in order to have hope that one day, however it is going to happen, things are going to get better.

This is testing my faith though. God works in mysterious ways, they say. But does he rip people’s hearts out in order to teach them a lesson? Is that even right? The God I used to believe in…he wouldn’t do that. So many nights I have prayed now just to have the pain taken away. Somehow, just take it away. I have asked him to hold me up and comfort me and help me…but here I am yet again, on the verge of tears wondering why why why.

Last night when I prayed I asked God for a sign. “Anything!” I cried out over and over again as tears rolled down my face. Anything so I would know if nothing else he’s out there. That way I could know even if he wasn’t taking my thoughts into consideration, he was listening. A sign I said, anything, just please let me know when I see the sign. I want to have faith in you, I begged, let me have faith in you, help me have faith in you. And I just don’t know.

Maybe I’m overthinking it, like I tend to do with SO much of my life and maybe I did get my sign, but I just don’t know. There were so many things, but nothing jumped and I still don’t understand and I still…I just don’t know.

There was a cloudless blue sky today…but it didn’t feel as beautiful. I read a few blog posts that spoke to me, but none said exactly what I wanted to hear. Mike tried so desperately to comfort me when I cried today, but I just don’t feel any better.

I don’t know. I just don’t know. If there’s a God out there…how can he do this to me? I understand suffering must come in order for there to be compassion, but I’m already so weak. I’ve begged for mercy, begged God to take the pain away. I’ve tried so hard to push through it time and time again, but I’m so far past my breaking point.

I wonder, how can God do this to me? How can God let me love someone so much, then take him away, then give me a chance that he’ll still come back and have that chance just go on and on and on. I know what I did wrong, I know how to fix it…but if I’m not going to have the change to fix it, than I would have rather not learned the lesson. I feel like my heart is being ripped out over and over again and I just can’t take it anymore. The God I knew…the God I thought I knew…I didn’t think he would do that.

I’m still trying to have faith, but I’m having a hard time trusting. I’ll continue to pray, and continue to search for God…but only out of hope that one day I’ll find him. I just can’t accept this life without a God. I can’t do that to myself. Even if it’s simply keep myself sane. I have to believe. I just hope, I just pray, that no matter how he does it, he can mend my broken heart and take my pain away soon. It’s not a matter of not knowing how much more I can take. I’m already at my breaking point, it’s just a matter of when I’m going to break down, but I can’t keep going much longer with this load.

Mind of its Own

Senseless dreams.

Worse than nightmares.

Don’t you understand?

Mind?

I work hard all day too

turn you off.

Then you go letting hope flood in

All night long.

you give me a peak at what it was like

at what it could be like.

as I surrender to you.

But I combat those days,

all day long.

Combat the days of love.

I don’t know if it will be okay.

Can’t you understand,

Mind,

I’m trying so desperately not to hope.

trying to protect you from another day terror.

I guess it’s a battle

for control over protection.

But I just can’t take these dreams.

Give me nightmares instead.

Won’t you understand,

Mind,

I want to feel the relief of waking up

to a better reality.

But I’m understanding,

Mind,

Nightmares only exist at night when they’re not residing in reality.

Run Away with Me.

Run away with me.

Run away with me for the summer just to see if this could work. We will combine our funds, take your car and the clothes on our backs and run. I can sublease my apartment for the summer and get money from that. I will give you the money to upkeep your apartment over the summer, or you can look for someone to take it over, but just come run away with me.

We could spend the summer trying to find eachother and be trying to find myself again. If we can build a relationship from the ground up, then we can do anything. And if we don’t, then come back in the fall and don’t try with me again.

I lost myself. I know that was your loss, but it was mine too and I am so sorry it happened. Sorry to you, sorry to myself, just sorry. So sorry, about everything.

Just run away with me. We won’t get lost this time. I won’t get lost this time. I’m just starting to find my way back. I won’t ever get lost again.

I have always wanted to learn to surf. Let’s go somewhere. I can learn to surf and you can see the ocean for the first time. If we have to, we will sleep in your car until we find a place. I don’t care, at least we will have eachother and even if not, then at least it will end for different reasons.

Let me find myself again and then if you don’t like me after that, then leave because you don’t like the person I really am. Don’t leave because I lost sight of myself. Don’t give up on me for something I am trying so desperately to get back. Don’t give up on me for something I didn’t even realize I lost. The girl you fell in love with is still here, she just got lost, lost in her head, but now, she’s finding her way back. Don’t give up on me for something I am trying so hard to find again. Something I just started looking for.

Run away with me. Run away with me and if you don’t like the person I become then leave that person, but don’t leave this lost girl. Don’t leave this lost girl because she is trying to find her way back, back to the girl you fell in love with, back to the girl she knows, back to the girl she is.

Please. Don’t give up on this lost girl.

Weathering the Storm

I lay there, on the hard rocks and wooden planks that make up the railroad tracks. The sky above me, trees in front of me, and trees behind me. I am completely and utterly alone.

I come here during my darkest days. Days when everything just becomes too much, days when I want to let go, days when want everything left up to someone else. Days when I’m sick of the decisions, and sick of the consequences. Days when I would rather completely submit opposed to dealing with the pain, instead of having to deal with the repercussions. Days like today.

I hear a storm coming, somewhere off in the distance, closing in on me. The leaves shudder on the trees and a damp breeze makes the hairs on my arms stand up as I lie there. Inhale, exhale, out, in, let it all go, like the leaves letting go of the trees in the wind. A raindrop splashes on my cheek, cold and wet. I don’t move it or wipe it away, I let it run down my face, letting it leave its mark on my cheek as more of the wet drops fall all over my body. I close my eyes and succumb to the wind, succumb to the rain, succumb to all of nature as I lay there on the tracks, letting the storm take me away.

Above me I can hear the storm drawing closer and closer. The rumble of thunder in a not-so-distant place and before each impending lightning strike I can feel the roars of the storm deep in my chest. Each boom rattles my insides and reverberates throughout my body, leaving me wondering how much more my heart can take. Inhale, exhale, out, in, I tell myself as I prepare for the next blow. My muscles begin to relax now as my clothes grow heavy from the rain. They have a tight hold on me, clinging to my skin, but their hold is a comfort that wraps around me. A comfort I get lost in as I lie there, letting all the events, letting all the decisions, letting all of the future go, since even if only for a few moments, they are left up to something else.

I hear another roar of thunder, loud and strong, more intimidating than those before, almost as if it was trying to scare me away, but instead of running I let it move through me, let it vibrate throughout my chest. It lives inside of me before slowly leaving my body.

Suddenly I feel a different kind of roar, one I can control, a roar that could rattle my body so hard that it would leave me with no decisions left to make. I feel the vibrations near my head and my feet, coming from the metal rails that go on forever, the metal rails that hold the wooden planks together and make up the tracks.

It’s more than a vibrating now, it has turned into a tremble growing closer and closer. I can hear it now, its rumble growing closer and closer still…but maybe that’s just the rain…maybe that’s just the thunder…maybe that’s just the wind…maybe that’s just the trees. I let my mind explore all of the options, refusing to open my eyes. Just a few moments longer, just a few more seconds of rain. And then…and then…and then…

And then it hits me.

It’s time for me to go. I have had enough and I am ready to regain control. I sit up and don’t open my eyes until I am twenty feet away, staring at the tracks, my back up against a tree, my wet legs lying against the soft damp grass. A train plows by, rumbling through the trees creating a storm of its own.

I close my eyes again and exhale, letting the bark of the tree scrap against my shoulders as my muscles relax. This time it’s different as the rain slows and I close my eyes. This time I am content, full of resolution because just as quickly as a train will pass, the storm will be over. It cannot rain forever, but there are many times when you just have to face the storm.

Angry is an Understatment

I am beyond angry. I am way beyond angry. I have not been angry very often, and now that I am, I am angry about everything. How dare he take him away from me? How dare he tell me that I can’t be with the one I love, how DARE he ask me to choose and then act like it’s all okay. Like the fact that he just asked me to choose between my family and the person I love the most in this life is just okay. Like the fact that he told me that if I am MYSELF he is not going to be around anymore. Why did I not realize sooner that I did not need that in my life? But I cant go back and I have realized it now and he will NEVER tell me what to do again. I am done.

I am angry with my self, because ultimately, this is my fault. I was the one who did not say anything, I was the one who did not feel confident…but it was because of all the years of him breaking me down. I wanted to stay where I was comfortable, I wanted to stay where it felt safe. But he does not make me feel safe anymore, especially not being me. This is my life and I am going to live it however I so please! He got to choose how to live his life and now I get to choose how to live mine. I dare him to try and tell me what to do again. I dare him because I wont stand for it. I WILL NOT do it. He has ruined something for me. And even if I can get that something back he still hurt a perfectly good relationship before, a relationship that was so precious…and he ruined it. He took it apart piece by piece, ripping and tearing at our tender hearts slowly, painfully, until the pain was just to much and it was finally gone. He paralyzed me with fear and provided me with an inability to express who I was, and what I wanted. He paralyzed me with fear to a point that I died. I broke. The absolute worst thing happened because I was afraid.

NEVER AGAIN WILL HE DO THIS TO ME. Never again will he take a knife to the person I am. I just hope…from the bottom of my heart that I can get back the one thing that he has already taken away. I pray that this is not the price with which I must pay for my anger. I hope from the bottom of my heart that I can go be who I am, and do it with him by my side.

I just hope…he’s not too sure. Because now, now I am angry.

I fell off my Rock…and Started my Fire.

I found my fire…but I already fell and now I fear it is too late. The fire is back, and ready and blazing…but last night…my ship fell off it’s rock and it fell the opposite way of what I wanted it to. It fell and I’m broken and I don’t know how to put the pieces back together, or if I even want to. Falling this way was never my intention, I never wanted to see this side but I fell, and now I’m here and it’s dark and cold and I am broken. My pieces are lying open succumbing to the elements, letting the cold invade their every crevice. It’s so cold it burns and the pieces…but the burning lights the fire, but it may be a fire lit too late. I’m so terrified that it has been lit to late…but it’s so bright and I don’t want it to be lit for nothing.

I am ready…to do what I was afraid to before. BEYOND READY. I would do it right this moment…but somehow I have to get back to my rock first. I need him…to take me back.